Allow me to set the scene.
The year is 2009 and RTE has just wrapped shooting on the final episode of it’s popular children’s competition series Quizone.
Your name is ‘The Referee from Quizone’ and for the first time in years, you can do anything you want.
You’ve got the whole world ahead of you, a closet full of referee shirts and a great name for your memoirs. (Publishers are interested)
You get on your gleaming motorcycle, put on a pair of sunglasses and take a deep breath of that fresh, crisp, liberating air. The golden, evening sun feels good on your referee skin.
It’s official. 2009 is going to be your year.
But what do you do when the world is your oyster? When for so long you were TV’s ‘The Referee from Quizone’ and now you’re just … A Referee…?
I managed to catch up with the man himself 11 years later to see exactly what happened after they yelled “cut” on the cultural icon of Irish television.
“Thank you for having me Ross. It’s great to meet you.”
His politeness was refreshing. The Referee from Quizone seemed like a pretty cool guy.
“I have to say before we start that my real name isn’t The Referee from Quizone. It’s Jamie. Jamie Darling.”
Myself and The Referee from Quizone talked for hours about his rise to Quizone fame as well as what he had been doing for the past 11 years.
“I gotta tell ya Ross. What a life I have lived. Ever since being grown in that lab by RTE, It’s been adventure after adventure.
“Wait did you just say you were grown in a la-”
First presenting quizone, then working in that Ice Cream Shop, then that time I spent living with wolves, all before being kidnapped by Samali pirates for 6 years, it truly has been a wild ride.”
“Wait what did you just say?”
“Yeah I worked in this lovely little ice cream shop. Absolutely delicious flavours. Not to mention what a great work environment. Let’s see they had vanilla, chocolate, raspberry, strawberry, mint, coffee, green tea, rocky road, oreo-”
“Ok walk me through the process from day 1. What did you do immediately after you wrapped shooting?”
“Well Ross I wish I could say it was glamorous. But after shooting wrapped, my contract with RTE had yet to expire for another year and a half. As it was explained to me by a group of their lawyers, I was still technically the property of RTE.”
“Oh so you couldn’t get any other work for a while?”
“No I mean I was their physical property. Following the finale, I was placed in a storage warehouse with the rest of RTE’s goods. I became quite good friends with The Morbegs actually. That was of course before NASA started sniffing around and they were put down.
Myself and Bosco used to play cards together. But that was before Socky the Sock Monster went on that coke binge and tore him limb from limb. What an animal.
Jamie began to get emotional thinking back on this time. I could see it in his eyes that he was still struggling with his past. The haunted look on his face combined with the way he kept whispering “blue team that is not the correct answer” to himself made me feel concerned.
RTE are just so evil. It’s not fair. When I was eventually allowed to leave, I was dragged out in the middle of the night. I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. Have you seen how much Ryan Tubridy is being paid? Meanwhile Zig and Zag are locked in a god damn cage. It’s not fair!
Then when I was finally free, they had me microchipped and followed wherever I went.
“Ok and where did you go then?”
Well my plan was to head to Los Angeles and try to make a name for myself. The idea was to pitch a Quizone sequel called QuizArea. It would be very similar to Quizone except the kids would be allowed to have guns. It was going to be a hit man. If only my plane hadn’t gone down while flying over Somalia. I totally could have made it. The weirdest thing is that Somalia isn’t even between Dublin and Los Angeles so I don’t know why we were flying near there.
When I gained consciousness I had been taken captive by a group of pirates. I spent the next 8 years trying to escape and get back to Ireland. I actually got out using trivia I had learned from Quizone. It was Season 2 Episode 5, the question was ‘How do you hotwire a military jeep.’ The yellow team had 40 seconds remaining and the bonus ball.
1. Pull off the protective panel,
2. Use a knife to cut the red and black wires.
3. Strip the wires and touch them together.
That is the correct answer. I spent the following 8 years trying to make it back to Ireland.
After I made it back, I spent months trying to come to terms with what I had just endured. Going from being a TV personality to running for my life was a tough pill to swallow and after making it back I took some time to appreciate the little things in life and focus on mindfulness. You know Ross there’s actually a lot more to life than money and fame. Sometimes it’s better to reflect on the importance of health and wellbeing. Through all my experience the one thing I’ve learned is to appreciate the people around you and pay attention to your feelings. Because in the end they’re what really matter.
Nothing could have prepared me for how unbelievably depressing The Referee from Quizone was. I mean this guy was honestly the worst. I got so incredibly bored from listening to him that I got my assistant to call RTE and tell them that he was talking to me and therefore in breach of his Non Disclosure Agreement. It took close to 20 minutes before a bunch of RTE mercenaries burst in and dragged him out kicking and screaming.
And there you have it. If you had ever wondered Where is the Referee from Quizone now? Well now you know and my god what a boring story.
If there’s one thing I learned from my interview with Jamie Darling, it’s that there’s no bonus ball in life.
Good night and God bless.
Ross McCarney 