In an unexpected turn of events for all of humankind, the famously ‘generous’ mystical entity known as Santa Claus has issued an unexpected invoice for the past 500 years of his gifts to humanity.
At 9 AM this morning, the invoice was received by the United Nations for the amount of 976 Quadrillion euro for 500 years of Order Processing, Manufacturing and Delivery of Merchandise on a yearly basis on the 25th of December every year.
Santa Claus; who up until this point was known as the most generous man in history has shocked the world today with the news that it seems we had misinterpreted his generosity over the years. In fact what we had believed to be selfless gifts were actually his end of a business transaction.
In an Interview with the New York Post, Mr. Claus shed some light on the situation:
“I’m sorry what…. You thought they were just free..? You thought that all this time I was just GIVING you free stuff…? What planet are you living on? You thought that you could just write letters to me every year ordering merchandise and then just not pay for them?? How on earth did you think that worked? This is an economy. I’m running a business. You need to pay for goods and services. What?You think I’m just out here volunteering? What do you think keeps the lights on in the elf factory? I’ve got bills to pay here.”
Interviewer: But- But what about the milk and cookies..
“MILK and COOKIES?? Whatever happened to leaving a tip?
The milk and cookies are helpful for keeping my blood sugar up so I don’t pass out while driving the sleigh but they don’t keep the army of overworked elves from unionising.”
The UN has not been available for a comment at this time but sources say they are in talks with the Claus Corporation to establish a payment plan for the coming centuries.
“What did you ask for for Christmas this year? An iPhone?
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to train a team of elves to manufacture and iPhone? Apple has factories where all they make is that and we have try and make it to that standard in a humble workshop?? The elves all have wooden mallets and shit. How the hell do you make a piece of cutting edge technology with a wooden mallet?? We’re not software developers!”
Santa has said he is also seeking a percentage of royalties for the Coca Cola Company’s use of his Trademarked image in their advertisements.
“What? You thought I just wasn’t going to mind? How would you feel if I took a picture of you and put it on a billboard in Time Square?
Yeah maybe I’ll use your image to sell my new brand of Shower Gel I’m working on. How would you like that?”
Despite his lack of interaction with humanity over the past half millennium, the expiration of his contract apparently signed in the year 1520, has resulted in Santa Claus “Coming to town” and ladies and gentlemen he is pissed!
“Most people get paid once a month. I’ve been pretty cool about it so far but after 500 years with not so much as a “Good job”. I demand compensation for my work.”
It is predicted that paying off Santa’s fee will lead to a worldwide recession that will likely last for approximately the next 653 years.
I may just be a humble journalist and I’m supposed to be objective about these things but I must say that Santa Clause is a real asshole.
I suppose you could say that this would be a good time to check if there is a CLAUS in the contract! hahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhhahahahhaahhahahhahahhaahhhhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha
Ross McCarney 